I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
