remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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