im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
