how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
