I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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