Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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