Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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