I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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