Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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