How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
