I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
