He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
