the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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