you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
