you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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