You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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