Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
