oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Randomize
