I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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