There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
