The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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