I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
