im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
