do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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