ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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