Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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