just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
