life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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