I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
