Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
