Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
