SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
