chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she told me i tasted like america
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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