It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
