So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
