My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
