You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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