Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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