I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
