I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
