apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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