Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
