It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
