we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
