Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
