Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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