my phone needs a breathalizer
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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