How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
