If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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