You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
