I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
